EASTER GROANERS
BY: Michael A. Aun, FIC, LUTCF, CSP, CPAE Speaker Hall of Fame
We're fond of calling them chresters. They are the folks who show up at church at Christmas and Easter. They take up your favorite parking place. They sit in your favorite pew and they think this takes care of their religious obligation for the year.
I know… this isn't very Christian of me but I'm just verbalizing what my fellow Christians are thinking. So sue me.
With Easter just around the corner, be prepared to be ticked off when you show up for services at your favorite place of worship.
A man was in front of me coming out of church one Sunday, and the Priest was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed the man by the hand and pulled him aside. The Priest said, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" He responded, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Father."
The Priest asked, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service!"
And then there are these Easter one-liners…
Don't put all of your eggs in one basket.
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Yuengling beer and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 bottles," he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife. And so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of
face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you on Easter," replies the wife. Her husband retorts: "So does 24 bottles of Yuengling ... at half the price."
Here are my annual list of Easter groaners….
How does the Easter Bunny stay fit? EGG-xercise and HARE-robics!
What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar bill and a crazy rabbit? One is bad money, the other is a mad bunny!
Why did the Easter egg hide? He was a little chicken!
Why shouldn't you tell an Easter egg a joke? It might crack up!
What's yellow, has long ears, and grows on trees? The Easter Bunana!
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been? Eggs (X) marks the spot!
How do you catch the Easter Bunny? Hide in a bush and make a noise like a carrot!
What do you call a rabbit that tells good jokes? A funny bunny!
What's the best way to send a letter to the Easter Bunny? Hare mail!
How does the Easter Bunny travel? By hare plane!
What did the rabbit say to the carrot? It's been nice gnawing you!
How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
Why did the bunny go to the dance? To do the bunny hop!
What kinds of books do bunnies like? Ones with hoppy endings!
Why is a bunny the luckiest animal in the world? Because it has four rabbit's feet!
What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived hoppily ever after!
Why did the Easter Bunny cross the road? Because the chicken had his Easter eggs!
Why did the Easter Bunny cross the road? To prove he wasn't chicken!
What do you call a dumb bunny? A hare brain!
Mercifully, tha…tha… tha…that's all folks!
Walk softly and carry a big carrot.
Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
There's no such thing as too much candy.
All work and no play can make you a basket case.
Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
Some body parts should be floppy.
Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans.
The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.
To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell.
The best things in life are still sweet and gooey!